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Sunday, November 27th 2005

(18:11) : 320.
Siting on my squalor & bed in 2 shirts hat & a sooty hoodie, drinking tea & reading poetry. Kinks & quick warm spicy easy vegan burritos.

Numb toes, running nose.

I can see my breath.
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Tuesday, October 18th 2005

(03:56) : 319.
I beat ruby weapon.

It was pretty tits-vegas.

(Emerald, too, last week.)
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Sunday, October 9th 2005

(23:48) : 318.
<3 banksy. fuck school.

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Tuesday, September 6th 2005

(13:52) : 317.
I want to be able to say that I woke up one day and wondered where a year went: it was a warm morning, blue sky & pretty clouds, and my fever had broken. I was fit, confident, well-dressed & happy. Not that I have the flu. Just a case of the sniffles, really.

I expect it. A year from now I won't remember anything but the highlights, the few seconds of pure agony or absolute bliss that I've relived a thousand times, scattered across a full year of grey and institutional green.

It's not so much that I want time to pass. I just want everything effortlessly.


I wish I knew how to draw. Women are the big problem. They're the source of so much of my anguish, and I want to express myself with vivid drawings of pain and, y'know, anguish, but I can't do women. I suppose I don't look at them much. It's more staring, peering to pass the time and let my mind wander, not to memorize the contours of their face: I can't describe the eyes of a single woman I've kissed.
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Saturday, September 3rd 2005

(19:19) : 316.
I beat Super Metroid today. I did all the hard work yesterday, but took more than 3 minutes to get back to the spaceship, got angry and decided to wait until today.

The blundering incompetence required is, I fear, something of a holdover from the rest of my life: where, as always, my blanket approach to all situations is to walk leisurely through crowds of angry aliens, only occasionally pausing to fall off ledges or shoot missiles.

After that, I ate some garlic bread (not garlicey enough. my fault again.), watched Tenenbaums, got antsy, depressed & lonely, & decided to bike up a large hill and then go ridiculously fast back down it.

I am reasonably confident that I have done upwards of 40 mph on my bike on several occasions.

I am equally confident that a spoke on my rear wheel will break within the next month.

This is my life of late: fast & oblivious. Stupid, reckless, dangerous and still, for all that, somewhat lonely. Not as suicidal as this makes me sound, though; just stupid.
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Monday, August 1st 2005

(23:08) : 315.
First vomit in several years. A touch of the runs. Faintly burnt shoulders & a weird pattern of suntan. Seventeen straight hours of traveling, and two more tomorrow. Some great waves, music, people, & peach cobbler.

It was a good week.

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Saturday, July 23rd 2005

(00:57) : 314.
I ordered a fedora a few days ago, and today we went and picked it up. I can't wait to wear it on the airplane tomorrow evening. Although, wearing it on the airplane means being on the airplane, which means leaving this stress-free (albeit hot) town, with its cool parent and infinite & infinitely-good food.

A week at the beach in South Carolina. The fedora combinations will be good: rocking chair + fedora, hammock + fedora + nap, fedora + beer, fedora + rocking chair + beer, fedora + hammock + nap + beer, fedora + camera.Collapse )
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Monday, July 18th 2005

(21:47) : 313.

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(00:46) : 312.
Spent two or four days not sleeping, just napping, not deciding, driving

Phoenix now. Sweating, eating, not sleeping (damnit).

photos. (I have my digital camera again.)Collapse )
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Friday, June 17th 2005

(01:25) : 311?
It's tempting to look at all the uncertainty and confusion of life and say, "oh, it's not so bad. It just doesn't make any sense. I can understand that."


Somewhere behind the locked door of my landlord's office there's an alarm clock beeping its ass off.



I need a name for my new baby.Collapse )
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Sunday, May 22nd 2005

(03:28) : 310?
I've come to realize that women are like cigarettes: I know fuckall about both.

I think I prefer it that way, though; if I believed them when they tell me cloves make your lungs bleed, I'd have less fun watching the smoke. And likewise with the women.
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Sunday, May 1st 2005

(04:02) : 309!
My cellphone was run over the other day. I rather like having lighter pockets. It has yet to aversely effect my social life.


Things are good. I think they've been steadily improving for the past few months, and this is one of those little peaks where I get to come up for air & compliment the view.

The new camera is a fucking blast, and so is the new everything else.
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Monday, April 25th 2005

(00:16) : 308.
I want to move into a cheap shitty little apartment with a cat and nobody but who I explicitly let through the front door.

I want a time machine or a lifetime of three-day weekends and guilt-free twelve-hour naps.

It's not that I'm stressed, just that by all rights I should be.
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Wednesday, April 20th 2005

(10:20) : 307.
We studied the subjunctive last week in German. Future tenses make me daydream, and past-tense hypotheticals just make me morose. They breed regret, I think. Context, too, and anything but the here-and-now.

I don't believe in the subjunctive. I don't know what I do believe in, but it's not that shit.

I don't believe in disbelief, either.

Sitting around, sometimes I think I know what I want. Who, when, seasoned how. Ripe tomatoes or a plate of zero-calorie cookies made delicious with sugar and butter. Brownies and good vanilla icecream. (Bryers.) A pretty woman, whose essence & existence preemptively fit my every whim. Cravings without consequence or reality or anything but the hedonistic satisfaction thereof.

They call me ageless (and that's a gratuitiously misused pronoun), but I'm not old enough yet that I can't remember last week's dreams. Remembering doesn't mean I still want them.


It was sunny yesterday. I sat outside after I got home and played with Otis. He's orange and hard to pet. He bounces up, rolls over, or walks around seconds after he sits down. Sometimes he paws, and sometimes he just rams his head into you. Other times he paws all sharplike, and those times I get all afraid.

He's kind of womanly like that.

tasteless soul-sucking.Collapse )
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Sunday, April 17th 2005

(17:45) : 306.

College life, Eugene style.
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Tuesday, March 29th 2005

(10:24) : 305.
Photography makes me so fucking happy. Fuck new cameras. I need to use mine more.


<3 <3 <3Collapse )
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Tuesday, March 22nd 2005

(13:12) : 304.
I wish I had good handwriting. I'd wax poetic about having to 'break in' new Rhodia pads all important-like, as though I actually wrote this thought there. Truth is, I just buy them, crease the cover appropriately, and then buy a different size. It's a foot left of the keyboard.

For the past week someone else's voice has been coming out of my mouth and someone else's thoughts have been going through my head. Being sick is funny.

I've been very open and aggressive and not very amusing. I guess I have good friends, because they still call me.


I want short lines of italic'd love & dedication over stanzas of heartbreak and agony.

cough, cough.



I turned in my old keys.
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Monday, March 14th 2005

(03:37) : 303.
There's something perfect about coffee shops, sunlight, & the Beatles.

Couches make it better.
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Thursday, March 10th 2005

(13:26) : 302.

The weather's been a little odd this year.
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Wednesday, March 9th 2005

(10:39) : 301.
Sunny weather again.

More photography to come?


kevin & a cat.Collapse )
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Thursday, March 3rd 2005

(11:13) : 300.
Still happy with the present & qually pleased with the potential futures.

I've been feeling very alive (fringes of a sore throat notwithstanding) & very sane. Back to doing Aikido after about a month, finding it possible to be face-to-face open and compassionate with fellow humans, etc. Physical health and the leading edge of a new era of mental health, all Aristotle-like.

I'm moving into a co-op, ma. I'm gonna be an artist.
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Tuesday, March 1st 2005

(10:11) : 299.
Things are good.

Wore a bathrobe to work.

The cute girl who's always in the lab when I show up seemed to like it.

(Knock on wood?)

No new photos, really.
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Thursday, February 3rd 2005

(11:44) : 298.
I've not taken many photos lately, and I sort of regret it. But I don't feel as though I have as much to photograph--or what I do have, I don't enjoy photographing, because it's at a party (low light -> grainy -> bleh).

Sooner or later I'll get around to talking people into sitting still while I take photos in decently well-lit areas.

until then.Collapse )
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Wednesday, January 26th 2005

(16:40) : 297.
It's been an interesting few weeks. I'm not sure if I'm happy, and I'm not sure how I want to become happier. But I have an orange hoodie with a skull and crossbones on the breast.

photo.Collapse )

I must be doing something right.
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Monday, January 10th 2005

(10:13) : 296.
Baking stuff is a lot of fun.

Jude looks a lot different these days (getting more of a brownish tint in her fur). I need to take more photos.

And maybe, just maybe, spend more of my time on schoolwork.

three faces.Collapse )
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Saturday, January 8th 2005

(17:33) : 295.
Things are very good right now, thanks mostly to a recent realization as to just how many bits of awesomeness there are in my life. I love cooking.

I've been thinking a lot about how I used to daydream about remote controlled vehicles and flying around in this thing or that (more often than not with a violent overtone). I had a brief "start a company" daydream-phase, followed closely and ultimately replaced by "women."

I sort of miss sitting in a chair in the Astoria house, looking at the river and imagining I had some cool jet-thing to fly around in. Or on a bed in Mt. Airy, with the lights and fan on, listening to Bob Marley and watching Star Trek.

On some level, I think that's what all of my summer plans are trying to get back to. A life without any unpleasant responsibilities (a downgrade from 'none at all'), but with plenty of time to sit back and be content.

photos.Collapse )
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Tuesday, January 4th 2005

(10:47) : 294.
I woke up at 7am today. 8 yesterday. My weekday mornings for the next ten weeks look to start with a five minute period of groggy "holyshitthissucks" followed by a cold walk and a good class.

I sort of like it.

Saw a therapist yesterday (the State made me.) A humbling but good experience without any great epiphanies beyond the "hey, cool, my life is good" that seeing hints of the sort of shit other people go through brings on.

Pottery tomorrow night at 6:30.
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Saturday, January 1st 2005

(13:12) : 293.
Best new years to date. Quality people playing and making great music.

And Jude.

tweedle-e-dee.Collapse )
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Wednesday, December 22nd 2004

(17:30) : 292.

I like the weather here.

Less so in the summertime, perhaps.
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Sunday, December 19th 2004

(17:44) : 291.
Phoenix is warm and sunny. Going south is a good way to spend Christmas, I think.

Sometime, I want to decide whether my 'style' will be predominately tshirts or long sleeve buttonups.

jazzy.Collapse )
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Thursday, December 16th 2004

(23:11) : 290.
Jonathan Richman is perhaps the coolest live performer I've ever seen. Expressive face, interesting eyebrows, he'd stop every so often to dance while his drummer played, and it all just flowed. Other music often seems to spend too long with one cyclical set of sounds, or jump around too much, but I never got that from him. And he sung in four different languages, which is just entertaining.

Life's generally been life. I'd end this with some photos, but I've not taken any lately that I like. (Winter sunlight and late sleeping.)
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Thursday, December 9th 2004

(16:56) : 289.
Done with finals. I came down with a cold and a serious lack of motivation towards the end, and probably screwed up all three in my haste to get out of the room.

So it goes.

jude.Collapse )
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Sunday, November 28th 2004

(14:29) : 288.
The vat of oatmeal I cooked this morning came out somewhat glue-like, but the sinus-clearing breakfast stirfry of beans, tofu, bay leaves, and jalapenos was good. I mostly stirred it.

Some photos of more sentient beings came out very, very well, but I want to spend some time on those.

a tree, two signs, and a cat.Collapse )
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Tuesday, November 23rd 2004

(22:01) : 287.
Projects to Undertake

- Counter-vandalize bathrooms. There are too many tags reminiscent of Dennis Leary madlibs, "fuck bush" & "I fuck arses" thirty different ways. It's time for a bit of Ikkyu and Rumi and what-have-you. Couplets of high art scrawled on stalls with shit-stained walls and low-grade urine-soaked paper, yeah.

- Learn to play the piano. I work in the school of music computer lab; I sit, for about 11.5 hours a week, in front of a keyboard. Unlike ~all other instruments, it's something I can practice with headphones.

- Take more photos. Self-explanatory.

- Wheelsmithing and/or pottery. I want some creative-physical hobby. Half of the people I know have horribly out-of-true wheels on their bike, and I would absolutely love to have a stack of really awesome, really unique bowls.

- Getting a new card reader. Mine died, and I've been lazy about importing photos because it takes a good 30 seconds per photo now, instead of about 5.
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Sunday, November 21st 2004

(19:27) : 286.
So long as I continue to expect a picturesque moment, Otis Redding, and rolling credits, I'm going to continue to be disappointed by the various endings in my life. Even the remarkably frequent and temporary ones.

(comedy 'post-socializing angst')

photos.Collapse )
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Saturday, November 13th 2004

(14:11) : 285.
Taking care of a cat this weekend, in lieu of anything more social.

It should be a good evening of leisurely reading and napping.

artwork to be hung in gallery on tuesday.Collapse )
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Tuesday, November 9th 2004

(15:38) : 284.
Yesterday I had a bloody nose within 15 minutes of waking up, and went to bed after listening to good music on headphones that, with a new cord, no longer are staticey.

Today I woke up with a clear nose (not stuffy, not runny, not bloody) and pain-free throat.

I hate to jinx myself, but tonight is looking to kick a lot of ass.
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Saturday, October 30th 2004

(13:30) : Flaunty Mc283.
Cinnabuns, cheap wine, and good company.


Words fail me.
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Wednesday, October 27th 2004

(17:10) : 282.
Sick again. My kingdom for a new immune system.

'photos' is cooler than 'artpost.'Collapse )
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Friday, October 22nd 2004

(19:55) : 281.
My greatest regret of late is how readily I start spouting lies. Not, perhaps, a significant sort of lies; I think the only person I really hurt is myself. But it's easier for me to lie to people than admit that I am genuinely an antisocial fuckup.

So I keep this 'journal', where I post depressing poetry and pretend it makes me better and saner.

I went to the library this evening. The latest edition wasn't in, so I read old poems and comics from the New Yorker circa 1920-1955. Ogden Nash is a new hero of mine.
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Wednesday, October 20th 2004

(18:04) : 280.
This morning my socks were damp.

Stupid fucking dryer. $3 to dry two loads twice, and they were almost as wet as when I first put them in.

It's not the money that bugs me, really, as much as the inconvenience of paying in quarters.
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Friday, October 15th 2004

(16:27) : 279.
I got some new tshirts.

Other than that, life goes on.

not photos.Collapse )
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Tuesday, October 12th 2004

(13:56) : 278.
I saw Nader on Sunday night. He was cool.

Then I went home and woke up with a sore throat. That wasn't.

ralph.Collapse )
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Saturday, October 9th 2004

(01:10) : 277.
Good tasting burps are such a wonderful thing.

I went to open mic night. Again. I wonder if heroin addiction carries with it the same sort of idle 'oh, well, I suppose it's not that bad' after-the-fact rationalization.

Really, though, it's kinda cool, because my sister's roommate is running the gig this year, so I can sit around and be antisocial while surrounded by a bunch of people I know.

I took some cool photos, though.

And, incidentally, my microdrive died in a dramatic and remarkably un-Shakespearian fashion. I expect long, drawn-out and poetic deaths from my hardware, but this thing just croaked. Somewhere between roadkill and a pretzel in the throat, as far as speedy dying goes.

photos.Collapse )
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Tuesday, October 5th 2004

(13:40) : 276.
I got a job. $7.25/hour to sit around in a lab of 14 macs and 2 laser printers doing my homework and ""fixing"" ""problems"".

Really, the most challenging thing I'll ever have to do is tell people not to eat Cheetos near the white eMac keyboards.

photos.Collapse )
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Tuesday, September 28th 2004

(23:48) : 275.
My first two have been a good couple of days. Nothing to complain about, and plenty to look forward to.

Here's to hoping for a JTHM quote to end the week with.

photos.Collapse )
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Sunday, September 19th 2004

(19:52) : 274.
Technically, I think I'm a step-uncle now.

photos.Collapse )
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Wednesday, September 15th 2004

I wonder what this man -- fat, balding, and probably a janitor, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans -- thinks of me as I sit here at 11 pm for the second night in a row, wearing pretty much the same beige colors, doing pretty much the same mindless typey-giggle things on my grey laptop.
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Tuesday, September 14th 2004

(15:41) : 272.

The l33t chix0rz campaign seems to have died off. Alas.


Last night I watched Withnail & I again, and then went for a walk to try out a new sweatshirt. It performed admirably, although I'm getting a goth vibe from the black-sorta-ratty-thriftstore-hoody, black-sorta-ratty-pants-I've-had-for-years, and black-shadows-around-the-eyes-from-not-sleeping-enough. Oh well.


Eugene is dead at 2 am on a Tuesday. I ran into a spiderweb on a downtown sidewalk.

The people you do see, though, are hilarious: a man in his office on the phone (I spent a few minutes wondering who he called); another in the next building over, reclined in front of two monitors and a keyboard; and two girls of the campus-at-night-at-shitty-bars cliche, having two different conversations on two different phones as they walked side by side.

Maybe it was entertaining just because I was there. Or maybe it doesn't matter, because walking at night's kinda cool anyway. I like being alone with my mumbling and idle dreaming.

photo.Collapse )

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Thursday, September 9th 2004

(13:46) : 271.
$250 for books. Past experience shows that I will use the most expensive one ($120 or so) for the rest of the year; half of the other books will be used somewhat for the classes in question, while the remaining two or three books will be completely unread for the entirety of my natural life.

dum de dum.Collapse )
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